04/17/26 (19)
Click mefeeling pretty okay today, this is my first post so it may be a little messy..
ig lifes kinda been a weird spot lately. i graduated high school almost a year ago and i would say i dont feel any different but i definately do. about 5 months ago i had a preety traumatic seizure which took a lot of time to get over, and i'm proud of how far i've come, but at the same time i kinda feel stuck feeling helpless. i know i'm capable of a lot, i know i'm a talented individual. but a lot of the time i can't help but feel like i'm helpless(which msy very well be a result of how i was treated as a child as a result of my father trying to kill me and my mom). this is full on trauma dumping so get used to it. anyway, here are a few things i'm doing to combat this;
learning new skills(sewing, building tech, creating, going outside more with no immediate goals, etc)
cleaning the house when i'm bored
less doomscrolling(god i hate that word.)
smoking less weed(drinking more tho...)
while i'm trying to be better, life has a way of shitting on you a lot. my friends are my favorite people in the whole world but i've come to realize that i am very capable of fucking that up. i think about it a lot, how one day they could just stop talking and seven years of friendship and crazy bullshit could just fall apart. i'd do anything to stop that from happening. it might be an irrational thought, their really chill and understanding people. however from past experiences i cant help but feel like i'll ruin it in someway. a lot of my previous friendships have been ruined in ridiculous or really sad ways. crossing boundaries, rumors, death, divorce. i mean i cant really help those last two but yk what i mean.
anywayyy.. i think im done. same time next week?
04/18/26 (19)
I got my period after 2 months today. hurts like a MOTHERFUCKER. i had someone go to the dispensary and get me a cart out of sympathy which was great. baked rn lol... anyway today i'm in PAIN. like i almost didnt go to college tdy pain. which i dont want to most days anyway but shut up. i got a rezzy cart, orchard edition. orange dream - sativa. hitting me righttt.. i miss my pookie who is my best friend but also not but also yes but also we dont talk about it. he went to nyc tdy which irritated me. last night after i posted he came by and i burned a crystal castles CD for him for his birthday and we went speeding down one of our fav streets blasting it which was awesome. that bitch.
tdy's gonna be a bit short but i might edit ltr.. toodles.